Personal Statement:Psychology 5 - The Student Room

Expert feedback from The Student Room personal statement reviewer

OK, first thing I notice is that the first 5 paragraphs all start with 'I' (as do a lot of the sentences), which means it doesn't flow well. Also, there are too many paragraphs - particularly if you are leaving spaces between them (which is strongly advised), this wastes a lot of space! Best to write a lot on a few things, rather than a bit on several things.

The focus is all wrong, as there is hardly any talk on academics, which is what the majority of the statement should be about. This can be related work experience, extra reading or A Levels.

I would change the introduction on this statement. --Kirsty-17988 19:23, 23 August 2007 (BST)

I am a well-balanced young adult who continually looks to the future. poor introduction - you could put this in front of any statement. It should be clear from the introduction what degree you are applying for and why you are interested in the particular subject(s)

I have always had dreams to follow and as they draw nearer I believe I am finally seeing light. very cliched and still not relevant to the subject I am always looking for a new challenge and feel I need a demanding and challenging job. this isn't a job application and so should focus on the education first I would therefore love to see myself in the police force in years to come. I work hard to achieve my goals and hope all my hard work pays off in the future. this paragraph is unnecessary, and would lead the admissions tutors to ask why the candidate is applying for a psychology degree if they want to be in the police, especially as a degree is not a requirement to join the police (although by no means would a psychology degree not be potentially useful)

I have therefore decided to apply for courses mainly surrounding psychology This implies that the applicants hasn’t fully considered their application and are applying for a variety of courses, hence can not be detailed about their interests. Having a more specific and detailed PS will appear more dedicated to the course choice, and sound a lot better; after all, you're going to have to narrow down your choices at some point. Best to make it sooner rather than later, to maximise your chance of getting offers as the subject has always common mistake - it can't always have been true, as that would mean from birth interested me. Understanding how others think and feel admissions tutors would like to see more understanding than this - be specific. If the candidate wanted to link it to the police - interest in forensic psychology? are put into practice in my everyday life, a sense reinforced by my work experience placement with a large legal practise in Ayr. how? Be specific I care about other people think this doesn't make sense and try to do my best to suit everyone. this sentence is a waste of characters, as it doesn't really show an ability to study psychology academically

I currently hold the position of deputy head girl at one of Ayrshire's top secondary schools. not necessary to say it's one of the top schools Within this role it is essential that I must take others views into consideration as well as doing what I feel is best myself. Gaining this position highlights my ability of strong team leadership. this is a rather arrogant way of saying it I enjoy the position and feel that it has opened my eyes too informal to 'real' management skills and responsibility. I am also a member of the senior school committee, charity committee, and social committee within the school, showing don't state this for the admissions tutors, as it's rather presumptuous my enthusiasm and commitment towards school and all that I do. OK this stuff is good, although in some places it's rather cliched. The sentences don't flow terribly well though, and it is a bit long

I feel my balanced personality; this shouldn't be a semi-colon enthusiasm and demand for a challenge will help me at university. this is all rather cliched I am a strong team leader and show enthusiasm in all that I do. these sentences are unnecessary. Leadership has already been mentioned anyway I am at present also fundraising for my trip to Kenya with the internationally recognised "Fulcrum Challenge". if there is space (after the academics) then this can be kept in. I would say that 'internationally recognised' is a waste of space though. The applicant should mention what they hope to achieve during this trip in the same paragraph. It doesn't deserve a paragraph on its own either.

To expand, this will not only open my eyes cliched to the rest of the world but I will gain self-respect, self-leadership what is this? and self-responsibilities and well as responsibilities for others. All that I feel are essential for successful university life. it's not clear how the candidate hopes to do this - and avoid long lists of the qualities! The last sentence is unnecessary as well and shouldn't be one paragraph.

Out of school, I like most other students' love spending time with my friends and family. not necessary As well as playing sports, and being a member of the Young Farmers I am also currently participating in the ongoing rehearsals for the school's production of "West Side Story". These again show my sense of teamwork as well as confidence and self-initiative. again, don't state this for the admissions tutors I currently hold a weekend job in JJB Sports. This has helped me develop an adult approach to working life, time keeping and commitment. if there is space for this, keep it, but academics are far more important

For me the university is the first stage of gaining what I want out of life, I also feel it would open my eyes to the 'real' world. cliched and unnecessary, as well as sounding naive As well as gaining the essential qualifications that I need to proceed in my chosen career a psychology degree (or even any degree) is not necessary to join the police - unnecessary and untrue. I hope to gain confidence in myself as well as making new friends and enjoying and learning form the experience. My variety of interests have broadened my general knowledge, they have helped me in gaining self-confidence and helped me take responsibility for my own life. I have gained skills from various places and people and feel that the skills and knowledge will be particularly useful for not only the transaction I think the applicant means 'transition'! Proof-reading is important to university but also in learning and general university life. there is no mention of psychology in the conclusion - why the candidate wants to study the degree and why they are a good applicant, which are the most important things to include in a conclusion!